Surrender

If I could describe these last few months with any word it would be Surrender. A word that I thought I understood before. Surrender to me was an action, a choice. Something you do when you’ve come up against something too strong for you to oppose or a relinquishing of control to someone more powerful than yourself. Surrender to the world means giving up, it means letting go of our autonomy and our independence. To surrender means you’re weak. And to the world, that’s a bad thing. This journey towards The World Race has been a constant surrendering of myself. Giving up my plans and my wants, my physical foundation and security, and more than everything my control. But at the same time I’ve never felt more like my true self.

As I laid down my plans and desires, God gave me His. And I didn’t know how much I truly needed His plans until that moment. Because mine were so small in comparison and instead of something I didn’t know would disappoint me, He gave me something made for me. I wanted to stay where I was but I needed to move on. There was a part of me that He wanted to awaken, an adventurous spirit I rarely gave a voice, a boldness I didn’t live into, a desire to share my testimony with those in darkness, and an urging to be there for those who are suffering. I just happen to sleep better in a tent than in my own bed, or enjoy foreign food more than American food, or have a passion for other languages and cultures! Little ways that God created me for this journey, they may seem small but they are sweet reminders of how He knows me.

As I laid down my security, God became mine. After committing to the race I knew what I was giving up. My affordable living situation in exchange for no home or way to pay for one in sight, my job in exchange for 7 months of no income or a low-paying job that I didn’t like, my proximity to my community and friendships. I also knew what I was choosing. As I was praying about where to go after CSF I said “well at least I don’t have to fundraise anymore!”. Anyone who knows me know it wasn’t my strong suit. And no joke, as soon as I said that I heard Gods laughter-filled voice in my head say “Oh Hannah, just you wait” (we love when that happens haha!). Fundraising over 19 thousand dollars!? I couldn’t do that! But in obedience I laid it all down and not 24 hours after I said yes I had a place to live, a job prospect and $5,000 worth of funds already pledged! I was blown away and I continued to be blown away as it happened again and again and again. I found more than I imagined when I gave up everything. A job with people that I absolutely adore, a house full of blessing after blessing, a squad of people who push me to be more like Christ and who have become like family, I have exceeded every fundraising goal by at least a thousand dollars and it is all thanks to a God who promises more than we could ever imagine if we give Him space to move.

As I laid down my control, God took it and used it to break down any and all false pretenses of strength I had and give me His strength. I came into training camp and as soon as I walked into worship God spoke to me: “your testimony, these people will not reject you because of your testimony”. And it scared me to death because one of the hardest things for me to do is to be my true self, to let down my walls and let go of the control over my life that I find security in. To be weak is terrifying to me. But I knew I needed to trust God and as scary as it was, trust these complete strangers with all of who I am. And guess what they did when they saw my brokenness and the weakest parts of me? They loved me like Jesus does. They embraced me and every single thing that made me who I am, even the hard ones. It’s okay to be broken, its okay to be weak, its okay to be vulnerable and let down our guard. Because when we are broken God can make us whole, when we are weak He can be strong, and when we are vulnerable He can move!

Surrender doesn’t have to be what the world has made of it. It can be the most beautiful thing we have ever seen if we do it all for the kingdom of God. When we let go we can pick up what God has for us and trust me, it’s worth it.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong. -1 Corinthians 12:10

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. -1 Corinthians 9:22

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lost it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” -Matthew 16:24-25

-Thank you for loving me in my weakness and for following along in my journey, Hannah